SURVIVOR SHIP IS like learning how to walk, If I fall I have to pick myself back up, and there are days I just want to crawl..

Hi everyone, sorry have not blogged in awhile but as you can see by the title these past few weeks have been hard..I did see my surgeon,( Dr. B who did my double mastectomy, and I just fell apart on him. (By the way all is good), here I am during the roller coaster I went in to see him happy, great attitude, fighting spirit, taking things as they came to me..Now I fall apart???!! WTF is that about, he says it is called "Survivor Ship" and it is a real part of the journey, he says that himself and colleagues discuss this quite a bit. It is like post-partum depression or PTSD..(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I get these waves of on top of the world to really bad rage and anger, to hypersensitive to everything on a spiritual level that is great, however when others make comments that I used to take with a grain of salt now just get under my skin..I mean the other day I flipped the bird to a very old man that started to yell at me, for waving him on to cross the street..Not my finest hour but at the time it felt GREAT!!    


If you really want to sum it up, I have been Poisoned, (chemo) Burned (by radiation), and Amputated (having both of my breasts removed)..So during the RIDE I had to go with it my life was so programmed and organized I made my choices that I felt (and turned out to be right) for me and my LIFE..However, the aftermath is messy, lonely, not very pretty and I just have to learn to accept it. I am trying, I have not told this to alot of people because I hear "Your alive are you not grateful?" DUHHH that goes without saying ALL the time how DAMN grateful I am, of course I am..Are you grateful you have not been diagnosed with cancer? That your ALIVE?? Just because I have had to go through and no it is not over it will never BE COMPLETELY OVER,..there will always be testing, Dr.'s feeling for lumps, "listening" to my body..I can accept that, I have a hard time with people who bitch and complain about the petty shit in their lives and I am supposed to be on the ground being grateful because I SURVIVED?? My survival was the outcome of MY choices to DO all I could to have a GREAT life with my family..For that I will forever be thankful..But do not, FEEL GUILTY for not being happy everyday..I am human, probably more so now..