SAME EXACT PAIN it started yesterday took my breath away as my mind went back to the start of this crap. I did freak out a little bit as you all know I do not have my breasts anymore, but I was wearing my prosthetic ones (Which are fab by the way and totally the size I want to go..
No, I am not telling that info YET) and I grabbed at it then freaked cause I could not feel my breast DUHHH, but for that moment I was back, back to the day before the biopsy even for just those few seconds felt like this was starting all over, after all the work that has been done.. Felt like it was for NOTHING..I know it is the radation at work, I meet with the Dr. on Tuesday, so I can tell him that if that is the area you wanted to get you got it at the exact same spot, even though the tumor is gone those nerves are still there..
All of this the past few weeks, has brought me back to when I was bullied back in high school, I was NOT the pretty one or even pretty untill Senior year, then just like all the other stories the braces came off, put on a lil weight, let my hair grow long ect..It became pretty bad on me mentally of course and it wasn't the girls as much (a few) but it was the guys that would call me "pig nose" or "chinamen" because of the shape of my eyes (never fiqured that one out).. Ok maybe a little bit :)
Anyhoo, it has helped me to face another bully CANCER which to me is just as equal as these bullies because it F***S with YOUR MIND.. Most of you are thinking..HMMMMM but schoolyard bullies cannot kill you?? REALLY? These kids committing suicide because of bullying are dead, dead is dead no matter how you get there..
Now I am thankful to all of those bullies, because they have prepared me for this one to hit it head on and when I am afraid, to remember "They do not deserve the space in my head" weather it be words or cancer, to beat it you must have the mind set.
I can wear my hair, make-up, my "boobs" and look and even feel "whole" but at the end of the day when the clothes, hair and make-up come off. I look at my scarred chest, very short hair, still pretty freshly washed face feeling that unworthy, "no one is ever gonna love me again like this feeling" Seeing what this bully has done, the only change is now I spoke up and fought the good fight. WON and if no one else will take me this way..I WILL!!
You I am sure can relate, we all have had to face a bully of some kind, again it is how we use this information to better ourselves, choosing not to be destroyed by it, therefore leaving IT weak..
Please watch the video from Breaking Benjamin called "Breathe" anyone who has cancer, knows anyone with it, caregiver whatever can relate. Very powerful!!!
" I am not my body, but my soul if only I could give the world x-ray vision"
"Life is an never ending movie, be prepared for the costume changes"~~Heather B.
You are quite an amazing woman heather. Reading your blog, sent chills through me. Your humor and wit, show how intelligent and genuine, that you are as a person. My ex-wifes mom, went through the same thing years ago. She got through it as well. Im glad you asked me to read your blogs, i have a better idea about you. And i like what i see and have read about you heather, muahhhhhhhhhhhh on the cheek. Thank you for sharing, bbyface from pof.
ReplyDelete